Related devotional: One Decision Away From Peace
And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM . . . −Exodus 3:14
As I was sitting in my kitchen crying and pondering my future, I heard something in my spirit rise up and speak to my mind. It was different from the confusing flow of thoughts that seemed to be making me angrier and angrier the more I entertained them. This was more like a gentle dove. I heard this question:
“Do you believe that I can heal your marriage?”
I quickly answered, “God, you don’t seem to be healing any marriages that are around me—only the marriages of the people I see [telling their story] on Christian television are being healed.”
During our short married life, we had witnessed several of our close Christian friends go through divorces, and they all were good people. This was my thought process: “Why should it be any different with us? Could God really change Wayne?” He then asked me another question: “Can you believe me to be the God of the Bible that I say I am, instead of the God you see in the lives of the people around you (even other Christians)?” I had forgotten who God was and what He was capable of doing in my situation. I needed to be reminded.
Before we go any further in the reading, in case you the reader has forgotten also, I will interject here and list a few of many scriptures where God declares who He is and what He can do for you and your situation:
I AM the Almighty God. Gen. 17:1
I Am the Lord that healeth thee. Ex. 15:26
I AM with thee to deliver thee. Jer. 1:8
I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. Deut. 21:8
For I am the Lord, I change not. Mal. 3:6
I am not a man, that I should lie . . . Num. 23:19
I was physically alone in the kitchen, but as the Word (John 1:1) came into that kitchen, I didn’t feel alone any more. I felt His presence. In the midst of all the pain, I felt His supernatural grace offer aid to me. I made the choice to accept His help. After a moment in His presence, I was then able to surrender my pride, my will, my shame, my rejection, and my future to the Lord. Somehow I came up with a “Yes, Lord.” I could not have done it on my own (we are weak, but you are strong 1 Cor. 4:10). Right there in the kitchen, I felt the Holy Spirit aiding me in what to pray: “God, I don’t care anymore about who’s right or wrong. I’m just tired of hurting. Could you just show me the part that I have played to contribute to this mess?” When I asked this question, I was sincere and desperate. I needed God to show me whatever I had been blind to (2 Cor. 4:4), but I had no idea that He would show me as much as He did. It was as if that’s what the Lord was waiting for all along—for me to deal with me, and not Wayne.
He brought practical things to my attention that I had missed, such as, “He feels that you think that your raising was better than his.” I responded, “I’ve never said that to him.”
“When you say things like, ‘My family would never had said or done….’ that’s what he’s hearing. And you’re self-righteous. Wayne knows there are some things wrong with him. You, on the other hand, don’t think there’s really much wrong with you." Self-righteous! I didn’t think I was self-righteous, I was just right. But “right” served on a plate of “self-righteousness” is hard for anyone to swallow. Delicately peeling back layer by layer, like a skillful, yet caring, surgeon, He continued to show me more about me. I was shocked at what I had ignorantly not seen about myself, and I felt shame before God.
Afterwards, I needed Him to do what He did for the psalmist David: “Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions and my sin is ever before me.” –Psalm 51:2-3 He washed my shame away. There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. –Romans 8:1
(Book Excerpt taken from pages 72-74 of Can’t Shout It Out! You Have To Walk It Out!)
Click to read related devotional "One Decision Away From Peace"